By the third morning of our final road trip before graduation, I was standing beside a dead Jeep in a Nevada desert town while my boyfriend handed me a six-hour bus ticket and explained why everyone else deserved the last four seats in our remaining SUV more than I did.
Chapter 3
Graduation brought me back a month later.
My old apartment smelled like carpet cleaner and empty rooms. Sarah had already moved out. Three boxes remained in my bedroom.
I was taping the last one when the front door unlocked.
Drew appeared in the doorway wearing his graduation gown over a white shirt, his tie hanging loose.
He looked thinner.
His usual confidence was gone.
“You’re really here.”
“I came for my things.”
He dropped his spare key onto the windowsill.
“You didn’t answer me for a month.”
“No.”
“Do you have any idea what that’s been like?”
I looked at him.
“I imagine it was inconvenient.”
His face tightened.
“Three years, June. We were planning an apartment together. We talked about marriage. Then I make you take one bus and you disappear.”
There it was.
One bus.
That was the story he needed.
Because if the relationship ended over one bus ticket, then I was unreasonable.
If it ended because of three years of accumulated disregard, then he had to look at himself.
“I didn’t leave because of the bus.”
“Then what? Kayla?”
He laughed bitterly.
“You’re jealous because we took pictures of her?”
I stared at him.
“My hat.”
“What?”
“The hat Kayla wore at the salt flats was mine.”
His expression shifted.
“I left it in your car. You knew I was sitting alone on a bus while you photographed my best friend wearing it.”
“June, come on.”
“You canceled my hotel and didn’t tell me.”
“That was an accident.”
“You changed cities and didn’t tell me.”
“Miscommunication.”
“You slept through the pickup.”
“We were helping Kayla.”
“You had lunch without me.”
“You arrived late.”
“You sent me walking to a hostel in the rain.”
His jaw tightened.
“Again with this list.”
“Yes.”
I stepped closer.
“Because that is what you don’t understand. None of those things alone ended us. Together, they showed me exactly where I stood.”
Drew shook his head.
“We didn’t do any of it on purpose.”
“I know.”
That stopped him.
“I know you didn’t.”
He stared at me.
“That’s the worst part.”
Silence filled the empty bedroom.
“You didn’t sit around planning ways to hurt me,” I continued. “You simply never thought about me. Leaving me behind was effortless.”
His anger faded.
“I loved you.”
“You loved that I made loving me easy.”
He looked wounded.
“That’s not fair.”
“Maybe not. But it’s true.”
I picked up my backpack.
Drew reached toward me, then stopped.
“So that’s it?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t even want to talk?”
“We are talking.”
“No, you’re delivering a verdict.”
I almost smiled.
“Maybe because I spent three years presenting evidence.”
He looked down.
For one second I saw the person I had loved, not the selfish boyfriend from the road trip. I remembered late-night pizza, exam weeks, terrible movies, snowball fights, and the first time he told me he loved me.
Those moments had been real.
So were the others.
Growing up, I had believed a relationship had to become entirely bad before you were allowed to leave it. I know better now.
Something can contain love and still ask too much of your dignity.
“The movers are coming for the boxes,” I said. “Leave your key on the counter.”
I walked around him.
“June.”
His fingers brushed my sleeve.
I kept walking.
His hand fell away.
The graduation ceremony took place beneath a brutal afternoon sun.
I crossed the stage, accepted my diploma cover, shook the dean’s hand, and kept my eyes forward.
Outside the stadium, someone called my name.
Kayla.
She pushed through the crowd with Seth and Dean behind her.
Her eyes were red.
“I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”
“Congratulations,” I said.
She flinched at the formality.
“Please don’t act like we’re strangers.”
I said nothing.
Kayla stepped closer.
“I’m sorry about the trip. I should have stood up for you.”
“You tried.”
“Not enough.”
That surprised me.
Seth looked at the ground.
Dean shoved his hands into his pockets.
Kayla wiped at her face.
“Everything fell apart after you left. Drew was miserable. Seth and Dean started fighting. Nobody could agree on anything. We barely finished the trip.”
I looked at the three of them.
For years I’d known every detail of their lives.
Seth cracked his knuckles when nervous.
Dean hummed when uncomfortable.
Kayla twisted the ring on her right hand whenever she feared somebody was angry with her.
All three were doing those things now.
Once, that would have activated something in me immediately. I would have soothed them.
That impulse was gone.
“We’re getting dinner tonight,” Kayla said. “Please come. You choose the place.”
“I can’t.”
“Why?”
“My flight leaves in two hours.”
Her eyes widened.
“Back to Denver?”
“I live there now.”
“You really moved?”
“A month ago.”
The tears came harder.
“We miss you.”
I believed her.
But missing someone and treating them well are different abilities.
“I’ll miss parts of this too,” I said.
Seth finally looked up.
“You really aren’t coming back?”
“No.”
Dean nodded slowly.
Not happily.
Just with understanding.
I looked at all three of them.
“Take care of yourselves.”
Then I walked toward the stadium gate.
Kayla called my name once more.
I didn’t turn around.
